My therapist just told me that I “use humor to cover up past trauma so I don’t have to deal with it” and that “it will take years of extensive therapy to genuinely recover from it all” and I literally burst out laughing and finger gunned @ him
(via rice-kristens)
After being able to talk on the phone with her, I’m actually quite glad that there was some type of closure. As sad at it may seem for me to admit that it’ll probably be the last time I’ll ever hear her voice, I can’t say that I don’t blame her.
I never really knew what I had until it was gone. But you see, this is why when we all go through experiences, we tend to question ourselves if we’re making the right choices, or if maybe there’s another solution. However, I feel quite alright that even though I’m human and I made not have made the choices that she wanted me to make that particular day, through my experiences, I can’t blame myself for it.
Not too long ago I had to make a similar decision. When I went for the risk, and chose her over my family, my life went to shit. I’ve almost had lost touch of my whole family and all I ever had was just one person in my life. It’s a very, terrible yet dark feelings to have to go through each and everyday. So, because of my personal experiences, I don’t feel as guilty anymore. I choked and I have a very good reason to. Whether anyone doesn’t agree with me or not, that’s alright. I know for myself what I went through and how I have survived through it. It was an act of “fear.” If I’m a bitch for it, than I’m a bitch. If I’m not man enough to overcome that fear, than I wasn’t man enough. People tend to make mistakes. But what could be more amazing through those mistakes, is having the ability to “see” through that mistake and overcoming them by one: admitting there was one and more importantly fixing them.
I’ve tried to fix them. I’m human. The only person who is perfect for is God. I’ve noticed that as of recently. The only person I could only depend on when no one was there is Jesus himself. This is what I have felt like spiritually. I feel that God had guided me to fix my mistakes and for one try to make things right and to amend for them. I did all I could do.
Though, there’s something I haven’t overly admitted myself as of recently too. Through the years, I have never really opened my heart. I never really expressed myself through my heart. As people well put it, I either speak out of my ass or my mind in particular. One of my family member said to me if their is one thing I lacked on, it’s exactly that.
Anyone ever fell in love? Yeah? I have. Once in my life time before this one. Her name was Emily. She broke me to pieces when she looked at me in the eyes and she said that this isn’t going to work out anymore. With out any particular reason or closure. Just…bam. That’s it. I had a very, very hard time coping with what had happened to me. I gave her my truest heart. She held them with her own palms. I trusted her completely. If anyone were to know me back then, I can assure you all, I was a very different person. I was very gentle, calm minded, soft, and willing to have people in through door of my heart and see my world.
Well since the year 2013, I’ve built this stupid wall, and I’ve let people close me hurt in such pain, I myself don’t even seem to realize the damage that I’m doing. I hardly talk to my own family. All of my family had spoke to me a couple days ago, begging me to come back. Begging me to be the guy that they once knew. My own mother especially. I can’t remember when was the last time I ever told her about a girl that I loved, or what makes me truly happy or what is truly on my mind and close in my heart.
I realized my problem and I’ve been trying to cope and finally do the right thing. Though as it may be too late for some people to forgive me and to give me a chance, I have to respect their decisions.
The only thing that I could possibly say to the person that I have found love once again after Emily who’s name is Deborah L. Male, is that I enjoy all the time that we had together. I’m so thankful for those moments. I will truly miss our car rides. I will miss us being such a goof to one another. I will truly miss how I was very close to make you sing to me as you kept getting warmer. (Which by the way, I find singing quite therapeutic. Tried it today in the car. It feels absolutely amazing. “I’ll be” and “I wanna know.”) Anyways, I will miss being close to you in sense that being able to feel the skin of your palms and the feel of your soft curly hair. I’m going to miss the way you make me laugh and smile. I will miss how you would tickle me as much as it annoys me. I will miss the way you make your funny faces and how you try to get jealous over your dog. I will miss teaching you how to shoot and play pool. I know you said you were going to beat my butt one day, and I wish that day was coming nearyby. I’m going to miss holding your hand so tight and so close to me.
Most importantly, I’m going to miss how you always said I love you and to keep safe because you cared that much of me. I’m sorry I wasn’t as opened and I’m sorry for letting you down. I’m sorry for not letting you in all the way. I’m just sorry for everything. You may not believe anything I am saying right now but do know that if there was any possible way you could open the door to my heart, you will notice me, and our paradise. You would be loved, like how you should be treated.
See that’s the thing that frustrates me. You say you can find better, but truly with confident I know you could find better with me, if I truly opened my heart out to you. With your own true eyes’ you would see the difference.
Only thing I could say now and once again, thank you for the wonderful memories. I will keep them close to me. I don’t see myself looking for love any time soon. This time, through my experience, it’s time for me to find happiness in myself and my own truest personality that everyone once missed.
Maybe down the road we’ll meet again. I believe that true love will come for those who let it be. True love will reconnect with one another again. If you truly love me, you would know what I mean by that.
Oh and just know, when I say I love all of you. I meant it. I meant it truly and I meant it with you and family. Romeo included. If you do tend to move on, just know that I wish you all the best of luck. Find a man who will accept you and your family. Including Romeo, as I would. I love you.
Oh and one more thing. People tend to mistaken me of what I used tumblr to begin with. When I first started tumblr, I used it blame to help others because I love to be there for them. I love to make a difference. I love to give advices. I love to be the one that they’ll remember that I changed their lives. The possibility of changing their lives to a point that some where in time, they will find that “life can be beautiful.” Just give it time. I don’t use it for attention seekers. I feel like the way I created tumblr, or “my tumblr.” It’s another form of saying it’s “my diary.” My diary that could potentially make a difference through expressing different experiences. I like to think of it that way. Nothing more, nothing less.
